Brilliant. Are you suggesting we embrace suffering as a gateway to transformation and honor midlife as the beginning of a more meaningful existence (rather than the beginning of the decline of relevance)? I hope so. Thank you for sharing and creating some space here.
Thanks Jason! I'm only really saying if you're ALREADY suffering, either from stagnation or exploration, there is a good reason for both. And BOTH reasons are kind of neglected by our society, which makes the suffering far worse.
i think suffering not only helps one to reach her/his potential, it at the same time increases the trajectory of the potential line. it accelerates and raises the top speed limit at the same time. which is why i think many people successfully recover and grow out of depression actually think it may be the best thing that happened to them.
Oh thanks! and I totally agree. I'm absolutely not a "gratitude journal" guy, but I am INSANELY grateful for the little things now, spontaneously, because I know what it's like to be incapable of enjoying them.
Tom, I found this article excellent and timely. You clearly have thought about and experienced the transition deeply. I myself left a very comfortable finance related role in which I had built significant seniority. I decided I had not quite figured out what I want to do and I would try my hand in a start-up because I want to take an action to do something entrepreneurial. I did this all while having a young family. At the time I left my role, the CEO of my previous company and others incentivized me to stay. I told my professional and personal networks that I was not leaving for money. There was something deeper but I couldn't explain it to anyone with whom I could resonate. I tried a few roles and they were disasters. Through the first few years, it was as though my brain was defragmenting into pieces. Only recently have the pieces started to slowly collect themselves and come back into place.
Thanks so much Vikas! The brain defragmenting into pieces is a pretty apt description of how it can feel. I’m glad this resonated. Oddly the horror of my own transition has at least gifted me the insights to hopefully help others avoid the many dumb mistakes I made. Hope you’re doing well today.
I am doing fine. It is good you can offer insight. But I think the harsh truth is that everyone who really grows has to go through the pain. And as a modern society we are terrible at it. Pre-modern societies intuitively knew this and had traditions and work around this...you didn't really come of age until you crossed the chasm. Modern society on the other hand, largely pushes a path/the path to remove the demons of uncertainty. The sooner people traverse through the jungle, the less harsh the gateway. And there are many who never try and now I understand that this really gnaws at people if they don't face it. And many people address the discomfort with various behaviors to numb what their intuition is yelling.
It is an interest of mine as well (maybe not an obsession yet). Great article. I will need to reread this. I definitely hit the anomaly and descended. I am still inching back up and integrating.
Thank you for capturing and highlighting the suffering so well here. Very relatable. And as someone trained in developmental psychology - thank you for doing your research!
"I believe your present suffering is directly proportional to your future potential. I can’t see how it could be any other way. If you had no latent potential, and were content to be stuck in a mediocre life, there would be no psychological pain."
Not really. We can be perfectly content to be "stuck in a mediocre life" (or, as most would see it, a regular life, day in, day out, with its regular work and small joys), and yet there will still be big psychological pain, not because we aspire to some "potential", but because the previous "mediocre life" DETERIORATES in many aspects during midife.
Physical decline, more urgent understanding of our eventual death, more responsibilities, less social life, divorces or empty nest, and so on.
The majority of people around the world don't have midlife aspirations based on some idea of their "potential". That's an american preoccupation (and not even that common there either, it's mostly a more noisy minority that is all about that). Most people are settled by 40 or so, and if they could have their simple family life and simple work continue with no deterioration they'd be fine.
I understand your point. I am merely saying that if you're suffering because you feel you're not fulfulling your potential, then your life is mediocre. And you know it deep inside yourself. My life is very simple now and I'm largely content, but because I have the joy of writing. And I have many of the midlife the problems you describe, none of them cause me psychological pain.
Human's are a representational species. We use analogies, axioms and proverbs to explain meaning and symbols, like with poetry, to represent meaning and aid in rote memorization. No two people experiences the world exactly the same just as no two bodies are exactly identical. Our society has become far to comfortable with the lie that categories exist in a wholistic or interchangeable unit. Categories and groupings can be useful symbols but the symbol does not replace the thing it represents. This is the foolishness we moderns have fallen into. We've taken the idol representing the God to be the real thing. It's not! Any two apples are different and unique just as any two humans are. A symbol can only take you so far.
Why then do we need the symbol, the analogy, the story of death and rebirth told in so many cultures across so many ages? Because it is useful. It describes a shared experience that we have. It has no value in and of itself but draws its value by the communion between the two across time and space. It's value only exists liminally in the exchange.
Brilliant. Are you suggesting we embrace suffering as a gateway to transformation and honor midlife as the beginning of a more meaningful existence (rather than the beginning of the decline of relevance)? I hope so. Thank you for sharing and creating some space here.
Thanks Jason! I'm only really saying if you're ALREADY suffering, either from stagnation or exploration, there is a good reason for both. And BOTH reasons are kind of neglected by our society, which makes the suffering far worse.
a bit late to the party. a great article.
i think suffering not only helps one to reach her/his potential, it at the same time increases the trajectory of the potential line. it accelerates and raises the top speed limit at the same time. which is why i think many people successfully recover and grow out of depression actually think it may be the best thing that happened to them.
Oh thanks! and I totally agree. I'm absolutely not a "gratitude journal" guy, but I am INSANELY grateful for the little things now, spontaneously, because I know what it's like to be incapable of enjoying them.
Tom, I found this article excellent and timely. You clearly have thought about and experienced the transition deeply. I myself left a very comfortable finance related role in which I had built significant seniority. I decided I had not quite figured out what I want to do and I would try my hand in a start-up because I want to take an action to do something entrepreneurial. I did this all while having a young family. At the time I left my role, the CEO of my previous company and others incentivized me to stay. I told my professional and personal networks that I was not leaving for money. There was something deeper but I couldn't explain it to anyone with whom I could resonate. I tried a few roles and they were disasters. Through the first few years, it was as though my brain was defragmenting into pieces. Only recently have the pieces started to slowly collect themselves and come back into place.
Thanks so much Vikas! The brain defragmenting into pieces is a pretty apt description of how it can feel. I’m glad this resonated. Oddly the horror of my own transition has at least gifted me the insights to hopefully help others avoid the many dumb mistakes I made. Hope you’re doing well today.
I am doing fine. It is good you can offer insight. But I think the harsh truth is that everyone who really grows has to go through the pain. And as a modern society we are terrible at it. Pre-modern societies intuitively knew this and had traditions and work around this...you didn't really come of age until you crossed the chasm. Modern society on the other hand, largely pushes a path/the path to remove the demons of uncertainty. The sooner people traverse through the jungle, the less harsh the gateway. And there are many who never try and now I understand that this really gnaws at people if they don't face it. And many people address the discomfort with various behaviors to numb what their intuition is yelling.
Funny you say that, because the lack of initiatory containers has become my new obsession… https://whatsimportant.substack.com/p/forbidden-knowledge
It is an interest of mine as well (maybe not an obsession yet). Great article. I will need to reread this. I definitely hit the anomaly and descended. I am still inching back up and integrating.
Wow, what a beautiful post! Thank you for sharing. To new beginnings 🙏🏻🙌
Thanks BB
Insightful and very relatable. Thank you.
Thanks Steve!
Especially resonate with:
“Western capitalism is abjectly lacking economic or social chrysalises into which our new selves can grow safely.”
A formulated “post-church” institution would serve this function.
Another banger, Tom. Tracks so well with my own experience.
Ha then thanks/sorry/congrats I guess? Glad it spoke to you.
Thank you for capturing and highlighting the suffering so well here. Very relatable. And as someone trained in developmental psychology - thank you for doing your research!
Thanks Caitlin! Nothing motivates research like the desire to get out of hell.
This is spectacular! Well done Tom!
Ah thanks so much! This one was written half our of love and half out of frustration.
"I believe your present suffering is directly proportional to your future potential. I can’t see how it could be any other way. If you had no latent potential, and were content to be stuck in a mediocre life, there would be no psychological pain."
Not really. We can be perfectly content to be "stuck in a mediocre life" (or, as most would see it, a regular life, day in, day out, with its regular work and small joys), and yet there will still be big psychological pain, not because we aspire to some "potential", but because the previous "mediocre life" DETERIORATES in many aspects during midife.
Physical decline, more urgent understanding of our eventual death, more responsibilities, less social life, divorces or empty nest, and so on.
The majority of people around the world don't have midlife aspirations based on some idea of their "potential". That's an american preoccupation (and not even that common there either, it's mostly a more noisy minority that is all about that). Most people are settled by 40 or so, and if they could have their simple family life and simple work continue with no deterioration they'd be fine.
I understand your point. I am merely saying that if you're suffering because you feel you're not fulfulling your potential, then your life is mediocre. And you know it deep inside yourself. My life is very simple now and I'm largely content, but because I have the joy of writing. And I have many of the midlife the problems you describe, none of them cause me psychological pain.
Human's are a representational species. We use analogies, axioms and proverbs to explain meaning and symbols, like with poetry, to represent meaning and aid in rote memorization. No two people experiences the world exactly the same just as no two bodies are exactly identical. Our society has become far to comfortable with the lie that categories exist in a wholistic or interchangeable unit. Categories and groupings can be useful symbols but the symbol does not replace the thing it represents. This is the foolishness we moderns have fallen into. We've taken the idol representing the God to be the real thing. It's not! Any two apples are different and unique just as any two humans are. A symbol can only take you so far.
Why then do we need the symbol, the analogy, the story of death and rebirth told in so many cultures across so many ages? Because it is useful. It describes a shared experience that we have. It has no value in and of itself but draws its value by the communion between the two across time and space. It's value only exists liminally in the exchange.