Really appreciated this one mate. Made me think of the Nietzsche line: “498. Condition for heroism. : If a man wants to become a hero the serpent must first have become a dragon: otherwise he will lack his proper enemy”
On the day, I quit a dead job in the darkness of the abyss, I kept repeating to my wife over and over again that I needed to slay my own dragon. At the that point it felt like time itself. As I was walking around the neighborhood to quit to my boss we walked past a huge statue of St. George slaying the Dragon.
Hi Tom -- I love reading your writing. This time, I listened to you reading the piece aloud while I lay in a hammock; from now on, I'll expect you to trek out to Westchester to read to me! Thanks for sharing these valuable thoughts. When you mentioned how difficult it is to receive a compliment or to believe that you're truly a good person, the facetious Englishman in me wanted to joke, "Eh, you're a PRETTY good person!" Maybe that's about as much praise as we can handle! On a related note, I listened to an old lecture today by Michael Berg about this week's Torah portion; he was saying that the entire purpose of this month of Elul that leads up to Rosh Hashanah is to discover the greatness of your own soul. The Kabbalists say that, when we die, there can be this terrible moment (a sort of hell, I guess) when we might finally see the gap between who we were in this life we lived and what we were actually meant to be. So, it's better to discover it now and try to live up to it. Likewise, there's a beautiful teaching from the Kotzke Rebbe, I think, where he said that "the greatest sin of all is to forget that you are a Prince of God." I love that. Sending you warmest wishes -- William
Thanks for that Instagram video clip -- very interesting. We're way overdue for lunch! I'm traveling a lot in September but should be around in October as I somehow got rejected for a visa to visit India... So, I should be in New York instead of Dharamsala!
An amazing post, thank you Tom! Sounds pretty harrowing what you went through, and for so long without respite. In my own experience I would say the best way of dealing with these voices of destruction is to turn the tables on them, so that instead of them whispering into your ear you have them out in front of you, so to speak. Simply "who are you?" is a great way of doing that. The question asked as neutrally and detached as possible, as though your life by no means depended on it, even if it feels like it might do in the moment. "Who are you", not because you're interested in an answer from them but because you would like to gain awareness for yourself of what's going on. These voices love whispering, insinuating, accusing - accusing most of all - but they don't at all like being questioned in a calm and mildly interested tone. Not enjoyable for them. They pipe down quickly enough, I tend to find.
And I would wager that they are extraneous, not artefacts of your own psyche. This is another thing which I've only become alive to myself fairly recently - the importance of learning to discriminate between one's own self-generated negativity and the "input" of hostile forces from outside ourselves. It's a sobering realisation that such forces really do exist, and they really do hate us, for whatever reason. Being attacked by them - and with such viciousness and persistence - is generally a sign, I believe, that their "victim" has great potential qualities which those forces wish to snuff out. But if the ordeal is survived it serves instead as a powerful catalyst for those very qualities which the demons, to call them that, had hoped to prevent from being developed and shared with others.
So even if you don't find it easy to receive compliments, Tom, I have to say: honour to the warrior!
Thank you so much Louis. It almost feels like an infohazard, but I often think of the Sophianic Myth and the Archons as a metaphor or even explanation for intrusive thoughts. Coming IMMEDIATELY after I asked for a test, it does feel like this was "the adversary", whatever that is. Especially as it resulted thank god in a life that's better even than before the abyss....
I've gone through something pretty extreme also - a long time ago now, over 20 years - and while it didn't go on for anything like the duration you suffered, the experience was basically timeless, so seemed like for ever. Yes, Archons and similar, makes sense to me. And it's a reminder that an ordeal such as this has reverberations in dimensions of which we have little or no awareness. So it's never just a personal experience, but part of something much bigger. And coming through it can carry blessings and strength to others that we'll never know about.
"I also wonder if I did something pretty horrendous in a past life that I’m now paying for."
This resonated deeply. Whenever life gets "too good," which is an arbitrary measure in itself, I stop myself from making it better. Somewhere deep inside, I believe I do not deserve so many nice things. It is as if there is a limit to the amount of goodness I can have in life, and whenever I reach it, I firmly put the lid back on. Now I know it's all coming from this deeply ingrained belief that I need to deserve love (by following the Book of Lies), combined with another whisper-like belief that I will never deserve it. It's a form of self-sabotage at its finest.
There's a Robert Johnson book where it says it's harder for those with genius to claim their gold than own their shadow. There's something within us that rejects the idea that we might have real gifts. Deeper than modesty. I have SO MANY conversations where the other people simply reject the idea out of hand.
Hey Tom, wow I’ve heard you talk about this and we covered some of this in our conversation but the core of unworthiness as an unwanted mantra - sometimes silent but present and sometimes screaming into one ear - is something I know well. Thank you for explaining this so beautifully and eloquently.
I frequently trot out your “can I do the thing I love in the service of love, and be held?” to myself and my wife as we navigate. The money is the biggest question, but one I inherently feel will take care of itself. I’m not completely there yet though. I’ll drop you an email - we have a conversation to pick up and I said August :)
I agree with you about money. It's an important practise area of mine too.
Money is a significant window / portal; I think Brian Whetten shared a consciousness development ladder highlighting stages of 'taking, pleasing, giving, receiving' etc - again, in our relationship to money, our habits and tendencies are unavoidably revealed...
How are in giving? Do we hoard, hold tight? How do we give, if we give at all? Heart-fully? And how do we receive? Blindly, without awareness or rich in appreciation?
..and, of course, how we are with money, is how we are with everything - with love, care etc. How do we give, receive? Do we hoard, hold tight? etc etc. Money as portal.
Much of this resonates, so thank you for your sharing this with us — what a gift, Tom.
Giving myself permission to read "in the book of lies" and to (finally) begin contemplating that our boundless inner and outer realities might not just be meaningless tricks of matter has had such a huge impact on me, too.
Like in the clip you shared with William Green — what if "it‘s what we do with [the] light to confront the darkness" that matters? WHAT IF we choose to assign as much meaning to this as we might feel it ought to have?
You're a gift to me too! And accepting BOTH of our own gifts is probably the hardest part. But they are real, maybe more so than this world of matter we prize so highly, because maybe they last longer.
Beautiful, Tom. The fact that you were able to share so vulnerably suggests to me that you are indeed connected to your inherent value, and to the great force of love that overwhelms all the lies - even if you're not always conscious of it! Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Dan, this is THANK GOD a long way from my life now. But the knowledge that I might go back there one day keeps me from getting too smug or overconfident...
Tom, I’m a big fan of these columns. Thanks for writing - and living - them! They are erudite & thought provoking. Quite unlike anything said or written by Jordan Peterson. I had a giggle thinking this article could be titled - “Don’t read the book of lies. Or listen to Jordan Peterson’s podcast of bollocks.”
Thanks Brett. I've spent an absurd time thinking about the rise and fall of JBP. I think his earlier stuff, especially the Jacob's Ladder lecture, has a touch of real genius in it. I also think for a while he had a handle on the transcendent. But since then... yeah. It's complicated. I see him as being partially recaptured by that massive intellect. TBH: I think that vision of fighting the devil he has is where he still is, and I think/hope he will win.
Really appreciated this one mate. Made me think of the Nietzsche line: “498. Condition for heroism. : If a man wants to become a hero the serpent must first have become a dragon: otherwise he will lack his proper enemy”
On the day, I quit a dead job in the darkness of the abyss, I kept repeating to my wife over and over again that I needed to slay my own dragon. At the that point it felt like time itself. As I was walking around the neighborhood to quit to my boss we walked past a huge statue of St. George slaying the Dragon.
Hi Tom -- I love reading your writing. This time, I listened to you reading the piece aloud while I lay in a hammock; from now on, I'll expect you to trek out to Westchester to read to me! Thanks for sharing these valuable thoughts. When you mentioned how difficult it is to receive a compliment or to believe that you're truly a good person, the facetious Englishman in me wanted to joke, "Eh, you're a PRETTY good person!" Maybe that's about as much praise as we can handle! On a related note, I listened to an old lecture today by Michael Berg about this week's Torah portion; he was saying that the entire purpose of this month of Elul that leads up to Rosh Hashanah is to discover the greatness of your own soul. The Kabbalists say that, when we die, there can be this terrible moment (a sort of hell, I guess) when we might finally see the gap between who we were in this life we lived and what we were actually meant to be. So, it's better to discover it now and try to live up to it. Likewise, there's a beautiful teaching from the Kotzke Rebbe, I think, where he said that "the greatest sin of all is to forget that you are a Prince of God." I love that. Sending you warmest wishes -- William
You need only say the word and I'll be on the train for lunch.
Only my wife could probably tell, but the voice cracked a few times during that voiceover...
One of my friends sent me this in reply to the post, which I sense you may enjoy... https://www.instagram.com/reel/DNoFLrJoh-E/?igsh=MW1ka292cHlrNWNhMA%3D%3D
Thanks for that Instagram video clip -- very interesting. We're way overdue for lunch! I'm traveling a lot in September but should be around in October as I somehow got rejected for a visa to visit India... So, I should be in New York instead of Dharamsala!
Oh that was a beautiful read! I subsequently went to my toddler with all my love and gave him a god-worthy hug.
My boys name is John, which means “gift from god”
An amazing post, thank you Tom! Sounds pretty harrowing what you went through, and for so long without respite. In my own experience I would say the best way of dealing with these voices of destruction is to turn the tables on them, so that instead of them whispering into your ear you have them out in front of you, so to speak. Simply "who are you?" is a great way of doing that. The question asked as neutrally and detached as possible, as though your life by no means depended on it, even if it feels like it might do in the moment. "Who are you", not because you're interested in an answer from them but because you would like to gain awareness for yourself of what's going on. These voices love whispering, insinuating, accusing - accusing most of all - but they don't at all like being questioned in a calm and mildly interested tone. Not enjoyable for them. They pipe down quickly enough, I tend to find.
And I would wager that they are extraneous, not artefacts of your own psyche. This is another thing which I've only become alive to myself fairly recently - the importance of learning to discriminate between one's own self-generated negativity and the "input" of hostile forces from outside ourselves. It's a sobering realisation that such forces really do exist, and they really do hate us, for whatever reason. Being attacked by them - and with such viciousness and persistence - is generally a sign, I believe, that their "victim" has great potential qualities which those forces wish to snuff out. But if the ordeal is survived it serves instead as a powerful catalyst for those very qualities which the demons, to call them that, had hoped to prevent from being developed and shared with others.
So even if you don't find it easy to receive compliments, Tom, I have to say: honour to the warrior!
Thank you so much Louis. It almost feels like an infohazard, but I often think of the Sophianic Myth and the Archons as a metaphor or even explanation for intrusive thoughts. Coming IMMEDIATELY after I asked for a test, it does feel like this was "the adversary", whatever that is. Especially as it resulted thank god in a life that's better even than before the abyss....
I've gone through something pretty extreme also - a long time ago now, over 20 years - and while it didn't go on for anything like the duration you suffered, the experience was basically timeless, so seemed like for ever. Yes, Archons and similar, makes sense to me. And it's a reminder that an ordeal such as this has reverberations in dimensions of which we have little or no awareness. So it's never just a personal experience, but part of something much bigger. And coming through it can carry blessings and strength to others that we'll never know about.
"I also wonder if I did something pretty horrendous in a past life that I’m now paying for."
This resonated deeply. Whenever life gets "too good," which is an arbitrary measure in itself, I stop myself from making it better. Somewhere deep inside, I believe I do not deserve so many nice things. It is as if there is a limit to the amount of goodness I can have in life, and whenever I reach it, I firmly put the lid back on. Now I know it's all coming from this deeply ingrained belief that I need to deserve love (by following the Book of Lies), combined with another whisper-like belief that I will never deserve it. It's a form of self-sabotage at its finest.
There's a Robert Johnson book where it says it's harder for those with genius to claim their gold than own their shadow. There's something within us that rejects the idea that we might have real gifts. Deeper than modesty. I have SO MANY conversations where the other people simply reject the idea out of hand.
“I also wonder if I did something pretty horrendous in a past life I’m now paying for.”
You and me both, brother.
They say self forgiveness is the immediate cessation of karma…
You think in words. I think in music. This comes to mind. https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=oj5u3Yf28LE&feature=shared&feature=xapp_share
Incredible read pal. Brave, honest, important.
Well done.
Thanks brother
Hey Tom, wow I’ve heard you talk about this and we covered some of this in our conversation but the core of unworthiness as an unwanted mantra - sometimes silent but present and sometimes screaming into one ear - is something I know well. Thank you for explaining this so beautifully and eloquently.
I frequently trot out your “can I do the thing I love in the service of love, and be held?” to myself and my wife as we navigate. The money is the biggest question, but one I inherently feel will take care of itself. I’m not completely there yet though. I’ll drop you an email - we have a conversation to pick up and I said August :)
Much love, truly, Adam
Can’t wait to reconnect with you.
Thank you for sharing your story. As I was reading your essay, I had a Jungian, “Liber Novus” vibe to your writing! Brilliant, and articulate.
Ah thanks Jeremy! Jung was a companion, if a rather dark one, during this time. Dude saw some shit.
Wonderful, expansive, engaging.
Thanks Richie!
A powerful read, Tom. Thank you.
I agree with you about money. It's an important practise area of mine too.
Money is a significant window / portal; I think Brian Whetten shared a consciousness development ladder highlighting stages of 'taking, pleasing, giving, receiving' etc - again, in our relationship to money, our habits and tendencies are unavoidably revealed...
How are in giving? Do we hoard, hold tight? How do we give, if we give at all? Heart-fully? And how do we receive? Blindly, without awareness or rich in appreciation?
..and, of course, how we are with money, is how we are with everything - with love, care etc. How do we give, receive? Do we hoard, hold tight? etc etc. Money as portal.
Thanks so much. And also.... can we leap? Can we make life choices that are love first money second? It's so hard.
I can feel and relate to that pain…
Thanks for the message.
Thanks Livio- we are never alone in there, although it may feel like it
Much of this resonates, so thank you for your sharing this with us — what a gift, Tom.
Giving myself permission to read "in the book of lies" and to (finally) begin contemplating that our boundless inner and outer realities might not just be meaningless tricks of matter has had such a huge impact on me, too.
Like in the clip you shared with William Green — what if "it‘s what we do with [the] light to confront the darkness" that matters? WHAT IF we choose to assign as much meaning to this as we might feel it ought to have?
You're a gift to me too! And accepting BOTH of our own gifts is probably the hardest part. But they are real, maybe more so than this world of matter we prize so highly, because maybe they last longer.
Beautiful, Tom. The fact that you were able to share so vulnerably suggests to me that you are indeed connected to your inherent value, and to the great force of love that overwhelms all the lies - even if you're not always conscious of it! Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Dan, this is THANK GOD a long way from my life now. But the knowledge that I might go back there one day keeps me from getting too smug or overconfident...
Tom, I’m a big fan of these columns. Thanks for writing - and living - them! They are erudite & thought provoking. Quite unlike anything said or written by Jordan Peterson. I had a giggle thinking this article could be titled - “Don’t read the book of lies. Or listen to Jordan Peterson’s podcast of bollocks.”
Thanks Brett. I've spent an absurd time thinking about the rise and fall of JBP. I think his earlier stuff, especially the Jacob's Ladder lecture, has a touch of real genius in it. I also think for a while he had a handle on the transcendent. But since then... yeah. It's complicated. I see him as being partially recaptured by that massive intellect. TBH: I think that vision of fighting the devil he has is where he still is, and I think/hope he will win.