The Dangers of "Repressed Special"- Part Two

Tools for dealing with shadow and befriending your fears.

This post is the second half of a remarkable conversation with master coach Brian Whetten.

Making friends with your fears- MidJourney

Part 1 diagnosed the problem of “repressed special.” This refers to the specific problems encountered by intelligent and successful people embarking on a spiritual path. Greater awareness and spirituality makes you more powerful. When you marry that power to an already-exceptional ego, both amazing and terrible things can happen.

In this 40 minute conversation we move onto the specific tools and practices Brian has found most useful in his 23 years of reverse engineering spirituality. Brian’s framework around the 3 minute 30 second mark is so deep that it’s the foundation for his next book. As with Part 1, this is really worth sitting down and watching like a lecture, if your attention style allows for that (also available on Spotify and Apple Podcasts).

Truly transformational growth can be scary. In his excellent book Yes, Yes, Hello No! Brian introduces a decision-making framework that aligns closely with my own philosophy and research.

The surest way to make a great decision is to look for the choice that evokes these three internal responses: the voice of intuition lights up, the voice of reason checks it out and approves it, and the voice of fear says, “Hell No! Run away!”

One reason Brian reached out to me was to provide an additional tool for my work on curiosity. Many people tell me they have trouble accessing or feeling “attractors” that guide their curiosity. So he suggested that you invert the problem:

“In the absence of a real and present danger, the voice of fear is an almost perfect indicator of which direction to go - as long as you head the other way.”

As he says in our conversation, Brian believes the process of “making friends with your fears” is revolutionary. He also argues that ~99% of therapists, coaches and teachers are getting this wrong. The specific exercise is available in the free workbook to accompany Yes Yes Hell No. It’s not directly discussed in our lecture so I’ll quickly introduce it here.

Once you’ve identified the voice of fear, Brian argues that you can’t just ignore or repress it. Instead you need to make friends with it. There are four steps.

1. Connect. Think about the decision you want to make, locate the sense of fear in your body. Then ask it “what are you feeling or what do you want to share with me?” And practice listening for an answer. Perhaps use a coach or therapist if the answers don’t arise easily.

2. Understand. Ask your fear what it’s trying to warn you about or protect you from. Frame a worst-case scenario.

3. Accept. Ask it “how are you serving me the best way you know how” or “what is your positive purpose.” Ask those questions with curiosity, love and acceptance.

4. Offer friendship. This means finding a point of agreement between you and your fears. Ask your fear, genuinely, if it agrees to cooperate.

Brian suggests ending the process with the following 3 questions:

“I appreciate how you’ve been working so hard to create these goals, in the best way you know how. Would you be willing to work together with me, as friends, to move forward with our goals in ways that might be scary at times yet are also safe?”

“What would you need from me in order to better do so?”

“Is there anything else you want to share with me?”

This may seem a little woo, but I’m well past caring about how something sounds as long as it works. It also seems closely aligned with Internal Family Systems or parts work, which is emerging as one of the more effective therapeutic tools I’ve encountered.

You can also enjoy the full lecture in one part here and on Spotify or Apple.